theonion:

WALTHAM, MA—Heralding its latest product as a breakthrough in artificial-intelligence technology, defense contractor Raytheon announced Friday it has built a military robot capable of composing heart-wrenchingly poignant poems about the relentless horrors of war.

The robot, known as the Laureate-IV, reportedly uses sophisticated radar imaging to survey the carnage of war-torn landscapes and runs state-of-the-art facial recognition software to scan the terrified expressions of survivors, data it can then analyze using a complex poetic algorithm to create lyric verse with up to 40 times the pathos of poems produced by human writers.

“With its 17.3 petaflop processor and bomb-proof titanium chassis, this robot can enter any combat zone and­, employing poetic devices such as meter, enjambment, apostrophe, and symbolism, give full expression to the anguish and disillusionment war brings,” said Raytheon CEO Thomas A. Kennedy, explaining that a single machine would be able to match the poetic output of several thousand PTSD-ravaged veterans. “Within minutes of deployment, the Laureate-IV can assess the situation on the ground and draft plaintive lines about what it’s like to survive an IED ambush only to be left holding a 20-year-old’s intestines in as he bleeds out from a shrapnel wound, his dreams for life disappearing with the wind-blown desert sands.”

“The result will be beautiful, hauntingly descriptive verse,” the executive added.

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