In addition to working on Asterion, which has obviously got a few drafts to go yet, I’m also rewriting the original story ‘The Little Queen’.  It’s slowed down my work on the sequel a little bit, but I think it’s necessary and I’m happy to be doing it.  Here is the new first couple paragraph:

Long ago, when days were long and the world was young, there were two girls. Both were dreamers. Jennifer dreamed of the night sky and of traveling everywhere covered by its shroud to uncover whatever mysteries sparkled there. Kaya’s dreams were filled with music and harmony, of waves of sound splitting a dark ocean to both shield and guide her to a better life. Jennifer was blonde and Kaya’s hair was brown, and one wore blue and the other wore red. But despite these trivial differences, the two of them were together, clasping hands and spinning each other round and round the fairy circle under a twilight that seemed to last forever. Until they slipped and both fell on their backs, sucking air and blinking as the first stars twinkled above.
After a few moments Jennifer said, “you’re looking at the past.”

I think it’s about 1000% better than the original.  I’d always wanted to start the story with a fairy tale tone, both because of the theme and to contrast with Kaya waking up in the real world at the start of the next chapter, neither girl’s life having turned out quite like they dreamt.

As I’ve mentioned once or twice, the original story was rushed.  I was eager to finish something and get it out there, but should have taken a lot more time revising and checking.  I guess at the time I was disappointed in the lack of feedback I was getting, since I didn’t know any groups or sites back then where I could ask for any, and so was hoping that once it was out there I’d get more.  Kind of silly in hindsight.  Also I cut large amounts out of the original version to keep it short.  So now I’m fixing all of that and when it’s done it’ll be transformed from being just an okay adventure story to a somewhat good adventure story.

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